


Un Morceau de Glace À la Place du Cœur

by pandibicth



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Episode: s04e22 Lucifer Rising, Gen, Love, M/M, Missing Scene, POV Castiel (Supernatural), Pining, Pining Castiel (Supernatural), Season/Series 04, and others - Freeform, as he does, castiel being in love, its season 4 loving hours, so of course yall know that he kinda dies at the end so thats that, the title is in french but the fic is in english dont worry abt it, theres no way to describe it uuuuh, this is following season 4 and yeah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-19 11:35:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20656574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandibicth/pseuds/pandibicth
Summary: Anger is one of those emotions that Castiel fears he would never truly understand. Of course, he understood the bodily mechanisms that accompanied it. Anger triggers the body’s instinct to fight, because that’s how it was programmed specifically so that humans in danger become stronger to survive.A tale of how Castiel understood human emotions.The title translates to: A Piece of Ice in Place of the Heart





	Un Morceau de Glace À la Place du Cœur

**Author's Note:**

> waddup i finally finished this it was a long time coming but i felt like writing again and i still love cas so much (thanks for letting me graduate high school u beautiful angel i couldnt have done it without you)  
anyway hey this is season 4 cas being in love yay!!  
the title is from the french song J'en rêve encore, by De Palmas  
enjoy!

Anger is one of those emotions that Castiel feared he would never truly understand. Of course, he understood the bodily mechanisms that accompanied it. The heart pumps blood faster, towards the muscles, adrenaline and cortisol are released in the blood, the body temperature rises along with the heart rate, blood pressure and respiration. Anger triggers the body’s instinct to fight, because that’s how it was programmed specifically so that humans in danger become stronger to survive. 

That is not the case with the divine wrath that angels possess. That wrath is pure and unquestionable, it’s triggered by the highest authorities of Heaven, it is not personal nor painful. If he were to compare it to something a human can comprehend, it feels like when your boss is angry at one of their associate for something that doesn’t affect you personally. You have to do something about it, and you understand that it’s bad, but you don’t really care. Of course, it is the most terrifying power of Heaven, and angels can get self righteous but Castiel feels that it's not the same. It tastes like thunder and ozone, and it is not like the humans' petty annoyance that can flare up if they don’t find a sock in the morning. 

Castiel had a closer understanding of love, because it was similar to the one he had towards his Father and his siblings. He could not begin to comprehend sadness, because he had nothing to compare it to, so he decided to put it aside. It was the same for joy. But anger just seemed to slip through his fingers every time he thought he caught the meaning. 

Humans seemed to get angry over everything and anything, and every time he thought he understood why what he said provoked such a reaction, he managed to get it wrong again. Dean Winchester seemed especially easy to rile up; Maybe it simply was because of Castiel's species, the fact alone that he was an angel seemed to get on Dean’s nerves enough, but every word made him rise with a righteous fury. At least that was what he thought until he saw Dean really angry. 

He had seen him sad and devastated before, raw and vulnerable when he had to torture Alastair. He had understood at the time, that it was a rare sight, that he should feel honored by, that Dean let him see him vulnerable and honest. His eyes, leaking the feelings of his soul, had wanted to tell him so much, and tried to reach out to him, hurt and confused. Castiel knew that angels were seen as pure and worthy of worship by humans, and Dean’s reluctance and shock at the idea that they were forcing him to live his most powerful nightmare spoke wonders about his disappointment. 

Dean had looked at him, and briefly, Castiel could see the scared little boy he had been, before his father told him that the monsters under his bed were real. The bright, afraid eyes were the same, and his mother had told him that angels were watching over him, that he had nothing to fear. And today, angels were the monsters. He could almost hear the voices of his brothers, telling him that he earned the trust of the Righteous Man, that this was a good thing, that he was doing well. The hurt in his chest was screaming at him that he was not. “For what it’s worth, I would give anything, not to have you do this.”, he said to the boy with freckled cheeks and too big eyes, and it didn’t change anything, and he still had to face the demon, but he is disputing orders, he is expressing rebellion, like he did on a bench, to the same man with clenched fists. He believes that maybe Dean Winchester is the deciding factor.

When in that barn (It looked like important moments of Castiel's life happened in barns now), Dean Winchester, the Righteous Man had stabbed that demon, ruthless and beautiful, towering over him, Castiel felt something akin to the wonderment the early humans must have felt when God addressed them for the first time. The thought is blasphemous, and Castiel lets it fade away, briefly amazed at the blooming feeling in his chest, burning and dizzying, and the poetry of the human erectus, so personal and ethereal at the same time comes back to him.

Dean is locked in a room trapped out of time and space, the closest a living human has ever been to Heaven, and he is ridiculously angry. Castiel still doesn’t understand the feeling, even less now that he’s set again on the righteous path, but somehow it bothers him, which is stupid and impossible because it is not a feeling angels know. It is too small and petty, too human.  
Dean is angry and it is beautiful. He is angry because of Sam, because of himself, because of the angels. He is angry on behalf of billions of people who don’t know nor care about him. Horrible people, people who treated him badly all his life, who wouldn't blink if they saw his death annouced on public news. He loves them enough, he loves Sam enough to betray his promise to, Heaven, to God, to _Castiel_ . His love is anger, passion is woven into his very being. He punches Castiel, an offense, a blasphemy, and Castiel has never seen something more beautiful. __

__

__

_ _He betrays Heaven, of course, and it seems more natural than it should. It feels like he betrays Heaven because he is Castiel and he met Dean Winchester and maybe that is God’s divine Plan, because it is easy, too easy, to expel Zachariah and to squeeze Dean’s hand before sending him to Sam, and Castiel thinks that maybe this was why he was born, and he believes in his father again, after what felt like an eternity of apathy._ _

_ _Castiel still is not sure he perfectly understands anger, but as the most divine wrath of heaven illuminates the grimy living room of an unsuccessful writer, his hand steady around his blade, ready to die for one of those mud-monkeys, he thinks that maybe he understands love._ _

**Author's Note:**

> yo hoped you liked it if you did consider leaving a kudo and/or a comment they make my day and i respond to every one of them so dont hold back  
im on twitter @pandibicth and tumblr @augusteelpd  
have a nice day


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